Great Moments in Thespian History

I think this crazy weather we're having is really a conspiracy by the gods to thwart my triumphant return to this business we call show.

As any avid patron of the arts is well aware, after my riveting yet elegantly understated performance as Mama Bear in my elementary school's production of The Trial of Goldilocks met with immense critical acclaim, I took a self-imposed hiatus from the bright lights and pressure to complete the 4th grade and soon discovered that there was more to life than fame and fortune.

Twelve years older and infinitely wiser, here I am, poised to take the theater world by storm (again) and launch what will no doubt be a long, prolific career, possibly culminating in an E! True Hollywood Story and/or world domination. In the vein of The Lion King and Beauty and the Beast, the big-budget Disney epic Cinderella is set to debut tomorrow. In an effort to cater to what will clearly be an international fanbase (and since this production is actually for Spanish class), the entire performance will be exclusively in Spanish.

Without further ado, I am thrilled to announce that, after a lengthy and brutal audition process against massively talented and experienced competition, I was finally awarded the challenging and complex role of Stepsister #2. (You scoff now, but my ten lines are both pivotal to the plot and emotionally resonant, and also did I mention in Spanish?)

Unfortunately, the weather, something in the air, or some evil cosmic force has left my usually beautiful, pristine voice raspy and hoarse. No matter, I shall spend this evening drinking herbal tea, inhaling steam, getting a hot young Latin fellow to run lines with me, and otherwise pampering myself. And even if my voice is the same when the curtain comes up, I think it will add a sultry complexity to the role.